NAMASTE

Stretching, mobility, yoga, no matter how you say it, I don't like it. Although I understand that stretching is important and even useful given the amount of stress we put on our bodies by participating in activities like Olympic lifting and CrossFit, I just can't enjoy doing it.

The first time I tried yoga, I was in a grass hut on a beach in Jamaica with KBW et al. Even in such an idyllic setting, I had difficulty enjoying the activity as I soon realized that my body was not built to behave in this way. One decade later and I find myself being prescribed yoga by my athletic therapist as homework.

In order for me to benefit from yoga, I have to go to the "specialty" studios which offer the "hot" variety. Trying my best to stretch in a heated room is the only way I can actually get some movement in my tight muscles. I have tried going to the regular classes (non-heated) at the YMCA and have found that I cannot stretch well at room temperature and I am just as tight when I leave the class as I was on the way in.

In my opinion, the problem with yoga is multifaceted. First and foremost, I am not good at it (and I hate participating in activities in which I do not excel!). But to compound my own selfish issues, I also cannot stand the YOGA PEOPLE! I have difficulty taking the instructors seriously when every word that comes out of their mouth is such a steaming pile of asinine jabber! Although a 60 minute yoga class does leave me with some increased degree of mobility (albeit short-lived), I actually leave the class with a higher level of anger and frustration than I had when I went in.

For starters, I cannot accept the terminology. Last week, an instructor directed me to "approach my postures with compassion". WTF? What does that even mean? Another, advised me to "thank yourself for being present with yourself today". uhhhh, thanks - self? Whaaaat?  And hey, how about picking up a textbook of human anatomy and physiology? If they did, they would realize that telling me to "open my front side body" makes ZERO sense. Also, in no circumstance whatsoever, can putting pressure on the throat during a forward fold "stimulate your body to loose weight or gain weight, whatever it needs". If that were the case, everyone could achieve that "yoga body" just by putting pressure on their throat.

Also, yoga people often think that yoga is THE only thing that is good for your body. I was told by an instructor that I shouldn't lift weights because "it's dangerous" and the only thing I need to do to be healthy is .... YOGA. I don't think yoga is going to help me get strong enough to PR my Clean & Jerk! I was also told by a Bikram yoga instructor, that Bikram is the best and the only yoga you need. For those of you not familiar with Bikram, they do the same postures, in the same order, every class, to infinity. The Bikram instructor told a story about how she had tried a Moksha class, and she was sore for 3 days following this adventure. Apparently this was evidence that all other forms of yoga were wrong, instead of considering that perhaps by changing the postures for once, that her body was actually challenged in another way.    

I can handle being the least advanced student in the yoga room. I can even handle the obsession with drinking purified water out of glass mason jars (because plastic or metal water bottles? Bitch please, do you even yoga?!).  But I can't handle goofy and incorrect terminology made up by a bunch of hippies, too lazy to learn human anatomy. I miss my CrossFit Mobility Boot Camp hosted by physiotherapist extraordinaire Corena where we could laugh, poke fun at each other and name poses after the remedial students (The Douillette pose, anyone?). I miss getting REAL instruction, REAL adjustments, in terminology I can understand - like "stretch those medial hamstrings"!

I long for a way to be more mobile without the infuriation that yoga fosters in me. Sadly, I don't think the yoga people are going to change the way they instruct. So I am stuck with it! NAMASTE